Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
