My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
