i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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