woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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