Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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