I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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