He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
