It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
