It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
