I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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