just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
