the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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