he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
