you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
