ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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