I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize