My liver just broke up with me...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
