He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
