Swine flu. Run for my life!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
