it hurts more in the daytime
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
