I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
