then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
