she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
as a side note pls kill me
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