I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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