I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
