my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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