I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
