Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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