I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
