I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
