3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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