It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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