I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
