Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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