I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Come on in and take your pants off
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