i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize