Sry I called you an 8
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
