I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
