Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
