woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
