Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
