i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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