I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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