I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
