I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
