You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
