Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Randomize
