she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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