we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
