I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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