When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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