Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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