last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
