So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
