Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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