I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
