I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
