Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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