she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
