Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
