Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
