My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
he high fived his dick after we had sex
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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